Supporting Your Child Starts with Supporting Yourself

By Jessie Buchanan, Registered Psychotherapist and Art Therapist

When a child is struggling, most parents and caregivers immediately focus on finding help for the child (which I think is important). This makes sense; when we see our children hurting, we want to do everything we can to make things better. 

But one of the most overlooked realities of parenting is that children don’t grow in isolation.  They grow within relationships. The well-being of parents and caregivers has a profound impact on a child’s ability to cope and thrive. 

This doesn’t mean parents are responsible for every challenge their child faces. Life is  complicated, and children encounter stressors both inside and outside the home.  However, when a child is struggling, it can be helpful to ask not only, “What does my child need?” but also, “What support do I need right now?” 

Parenting Was Never Meant to Be a Solo Job

Many parents today are carrying enormous responsibilities. They are balancing work, caregiving, household responsibilities, financial pressures, and the emotional labor of supporting their children. 

At the same time, many are trying to parent without the extended family, community networks, and village-like support systems that previous generations often relied upon. 

It’s no wonder that so many caregivers feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or unsure of themselves! Yet many parents hold themselves to impossible standards, believing they should always know the right thing to say, stay calm in every situation, and meet every one of their child’s needs. 

The truth is that children don’t need perfect parents. 

They need supported parents. 

Children Benefit When Caregivers Have Support

When parents have opportunities to care for their own mental and emotional well-being, everyone in the family benefits. 

Support might look like: 

• Talking with a therapist
• Joining a parenting group 
• Leaning on trusted friends or family members 
• Taking time for rest and self-care 
• Learning more about child development 
• Seeking help during particularly stressful seasons of life 

Parents often tell me they feel guilty prioritizing themselves. Yet caring for yourself is not taking away from your child; it is helping ensure that you have the emotional resources available to care for them. 

Your Child’s Struggles Are Not Always a Reflection of Your Parenting

One of the greatest burdens many caregivers carry is the belief that if their child is  struggling, they must have done something wrong. 

Children experience anxiety, sadness, frustration, friendship difficulties, learning challenges, and emotional ups and downs for many reasons. Development is rarely linear, and every child encounters challenges along the way. 

Rather than viewing difficulties as evidence of failure, it can be helpful to view them as  opportunities for understanding, support, and growth. 

Parenting is not about preventing every struggle. 

It is about helping children move through struggles while knowing they are not alone.

A Helpful Perspective

One resource I often recommend is Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté. 

One of the book’s central messages is that relationships matter. In a world full of parenting  advice, strategies, and opinions, it offers a reminder that children benefit from feeling connected, understood, and supported by the important adults in their lives. 

Many parents find this perspective reassuring because it shifts the focus away from  perfection and toward relationship, presence, and understanding. 

Sometimes the Best Gift You Can Give Your Child Is Your Own Support

Many caregivers are accustomed to putting everyone else’s needs ahead of their own. Over time, however, stress, burnout, anxiety, and unresolved challenges can make parenting feel even harder.

Seeking support for yourself is not a sign that something is wrong. 

It is a recognition that parenting is demanding and that caregivers deserve care, too. 

When parents feel more supported, connected, and resourced, they are often better able  to offer those same qualities to their children. 

A Gentle Reminder

If your child is going through a difficult season, remember that you do not have to carry it alone. 

Reach out. Ask for help. Talk with someone you trust. Learn, reflect, and be kind to yourself. Your child does not need a perfect parent. 

They need a caregiver who is supported, connected, and willing to keep showing up, even on the hard days. 

Supporting a child doesn’t mean carrying everything on your own. Caregivers deserve  support, too. 

Resources for Caregivers in Ontario

For Parents of Children with ADHD 

• Centre for ADHD Awareness Canada (CADDAC) – caddac.ca
• Support groups, webinars, education, and parent resources across Canada. 

For Parents of Children with Autism

• Autism Ontario – autismontario.com
• Family supports, workshops, and community connections across Ontario.
• Ontario Autism Program (OAP) Family Services – ontario.ca/page/ontario-autism-program-foundational-family-services
• Free caregiver education and family support through Ontario services.

For Parents Supporting Children Impacted by Trauma or Mental Health Challenges 

• Kinark Child and Family Services – kinark.on.ca
• Child and youth mental health services, family supports, and parenting resources.
• Local Ontario child and youth mental health agencies (CMHA-affiliated and  community-based services vary by region)

Recommended Reading 

• Hold On to Your Kids — Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Maté
• The Whole-Brain Child — Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson
• The Soul of Discipline — Kim John Payne, Lucie Hemmen

Support for Caregivers 

• Individual therapy 
• Parent support groups 
• Parenting education programs 
• Creating self-care opportunities, no matter how small • Community-based family supports

Are you a parent who needs support? Consider booking a free consultation with Guelph-based therapist Jessie Buchanan, the author of this post.